I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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