I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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