...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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