I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
