Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
