You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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