Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
