i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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