As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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