WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
