I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
we should paint friendship bongs
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
