Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Come on in and take your pants off
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