Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
