I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
