ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
