I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
