Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
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