Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
