When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
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