My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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