omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
