I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
