Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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