Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
