Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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