Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Are my feet made of real feet?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
