Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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