T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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