Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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