two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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