dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
