You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I am one with the molecules
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
