A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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