so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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