I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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