I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
you are never too drunk for berry picking
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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