You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
