4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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