my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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