My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
