i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
