He asked me if I "almost moaned"
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
