So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Randomize
