I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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