just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
