Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
