we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
