Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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