why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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