I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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