haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
