Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
