I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
