So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
