I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
