Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
