She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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