maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize