i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
